Q: Hi Ken, thanks a lot for taking the time out of your hectic schedule. I hear there have been some changes at Vanpoover?

A: Hi Keith, no problem, just another day at the coalface. Yes, Vanpoover is under new management!

Q: Where have you guys been over the last few months?

A: Well, you wouldn't believe it Keith. Rather than implement solutions to the dog-poop-in-parks problem that we so eloquently identified, officials at the City of Vancouver decided that a better approach was to falsely and maliciously complain to our web hosts that we were phishing. Even though they agreed that we weren't, under pressure from the City, our web hosts decided it was easier to shut us down.

Q: Bummer. Why are you back now?

A: For one, there's still shit in the parks! We also realised that our grassroots campaign had a great synergy with the FIFA World Cup 2026™ — no one likes to get dog shit on them when they're having a kickabout! We figured that 1 month to go to the first world cup match here in our great city was the perfect time to relaunch.

Q: This whole endeavour must have taken a lot of work?

A: You have no idea! The team have been working around the clock. Excitingly, they've managed to pull off a real coup: we've become the official unofficial partner of the 2026 FiFA World Cup here in Vanpoover!

N.B., FiFA is the Football in Faeces Association™

Q: Congratulations! Do you have anything special planned for the World Cup?

A: Yes, the team have put together a comprehensive campaign program!

Just last week we took delivery of our crap costumes — expect to see some big brown turd mascots walking around the city on match days! They'll be leafleting tourists to raise awareness that thousands of dogs throw down some brown in our parks every day. We don't want visiting fans to inadvertently step in a brownie while they are out and about.

We have a couple of competitions planned.

We've also managed to secure a short segment with two of the visiting broadcasters! It turns out that not only does the issue of dog poo in parks really resonate with the soccer community, but audiences also love to hear a heartwarming underdog story starring feckless officials and described with a heady mix of sarcasm and puerile toilet humour.

Plus, by pure coincidence, a friend-of-a-friend (not part of the Vanpoover team I should emphasise) is working security at the stadium! They are rumoured to be planning a peaceful protest. All we know is that their people are talking to Gary Lineker's people to learn from his experience, and to get any tips on "maximising coverage" so to speak:

You couldn't make this shit up.

Q: Wow, I bet the City of Vancouver are delighted about all the free PR they're going to get?

A: I imagine so Keith. Just think, if they'd simply fenced off a bit of the park to make some dog free space they'd have missed out on all this!

I should also mention that since we're here, we figured that we may as well write some articles on other topics too! For example, one of my minions, councillor Baloney I think it is, is scheduled to do an interview with you soon about the incompetent decision making regarding the new school on Hinge Park. Plus, we have an answer to that age-old question: how many city engineers does it take to change a light-bulb? Stay tuned over the next few weeks.

Q: Cracking stuff. Bringing it back to the campaign, what are you guys hoping to achieve?

A: Well to begin with we just had our sights set on getting some dog free space in all parks, so kids (and grown-ups!) can kick a ball around, play catch, chuck a frisbee, ..., without getting dog shit on them.

But now, in response to the actions of officials at the city, we have added a stretch goal: we want whichever official that decided to get us shut down (rather than deal with a real and serious problem) to be sacked.

Seriously, who wakes up in the morning and thinks to themselves "rather than solve a problem and make a positive difference, today I will shut down a legitimate campaign website so that toddlers can continue to inadvertently play in dog shit"?

People like that are not fit to work in government.

Q: Dog free space is all well and good Ken, but do you have any concrete proposals?

A: Yes. We've got a whole range of ideas ranging from 'no-brainer' to 'totally brainless'. We've summarised a few poop-free-park ideas here.

Q: Ken, just to wrap up, I've got to ask this on behalf of all the dog lovers out there: what have you got against dogs?

A: Nothing! Some of the team own dogs. But, call us crazy: liking dogs doesn't mean that we like playing in dog shit, or that our kids like to play in dog shit. Honestly, we didn't think that this would be contentious.

Q: Ken, readers have probably had enough by now, any final thoughts?

A: We just want to say a big THANK YOU for all the support from the guys at the Whitecaps — you know who you are. Without you, this wouldn't have been possible. You will always be welcome in Vanpoover, we certainly wouldn't invest almost a billion dollars in hosting the world cup and then drive out our MLS team!

Thank you Ken.

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